


Broken and Cursed

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Hurt Sam, Self-Blame, Self-Loathing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-24
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-27 18:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15030878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Rewrite of 8.23





	Broken and Cursed

You clasped your hand over your mouth, staring into thin air as Cas disappeared before your eyes, and Dean called out to him to no avail. This had just gone from bad to worse, and the panic you had struggled to hold in ever since your talk with Naomi was getting harder and harder to contain.

“Goddammit!” Dean snarled, making you jump slightly. Not so much because of his reaction, but because you knew Dean tended to speak before he thought when he was angry. He said things he didn’t mean, things that Sam always ended up taking to heart. You didn’t blame Dean for it. They were brothers, and it was part of who they were. It had been part of who they were long before you had met them. Long before you had fallen in love with Sam, and long before he had pushed you away out of fear of what his love would do to you.

No matter how hard he had pushed though, no matter how much it had hurt, you hadn’t left. Not really. You had kept in touch with Dean, and the second Sam had started showing signs of being ill, Dean had told you and you had reentered the brothers’ lives completely. You had moved into their new found home with them, but you had given Sam his space because you thought that had been what he needed. Standing outside the old church with Dean yelling towards the sky, you weren’t so sure. You were terrified of losing him, and the nagging feeling you could have done something to prevent things coming to this weighed heavily on your heart.

“Dean, what are we going to do?” your voice sounded even more rattled than you felt, and the older Winchester instantly turned around to face you. His eyes softened as they found yours.

“About Cas? Nothing. We can’t do anything about that right now. Right now we go get Sammy okay? You’ll help me, right?” Dean ran his hands up and down your arms in effort to soothe you, as you stood like a lifeless rag doll in front of him. He had always been like an older brother to you. He had always been there when you needed him and listened whenever you needed to talk. Sam, however. Sam had always been something much, much more, and not even his fears for you could change how you felt about him. He had always been there for you when you needed him. He had believed in you when you couldn’t believe in yourself. No matter how much he had hurt you in the past, you still loved him with all of your heart, and you knew that would never change. Of course you were going to help Dean save him.

You nodded quickly, taking a deep decisive breath, “let’s do this.”  

You and Dean walked into the church. You walking a few steps behind him, even if every vein in your body screamed at you to run to Sam, screamed for you to wrap your arms around the man you loved more than life itself and beg for him not to leave you. But you didn’t. You stayed behind Dean, letting him take the lead, trusting Dean to know his brother better than Sam had have let you.

“Hey Sam. Easy there. Okay?” Dean moved slowly forward as if Sam were holding some lethal weapon in his hands, threatening to fling it at Dean at any moment. You supposed he was. Sam was holding the power to end his own life, and you know that would hurt both you and Dean more than any knife, gun, demon, or monster that you could ever face.

“Just take it easy. We got a slight change of plans,” Dean spoke, as he kept moving towards his brother slowly, with you right behind him, following Dean’s every lead.

“What? Where is Cas? Why is Y/N here?” Sam looked so sick that you had to fight to hold back your tears. He hadn’t exactly been the picture of health the last time you saw him, but now he was sweating. His arms were glowing, and he looked so weak and confused that your heart broke for him.

Rather than answering his brother, Dean just got straight to the point; calm and collected. “Metatron lied. You finish this trial, you’re dead, Sam.”

You were sure Dean was trying to rattle him into stopping, or maybe just seeing the world like he did, by simply stating facts. However, somehow you knew it wasn’t going to work. You braced yourself for the word you knew was coming, but it still almost stopped your heart as it left Sam’s lips.

“So?”

You saw the shock on Dean’s face. The pain it caused him to know that his brother cared so little about his own life. So you took a step forward, standing next to Dean.

“Sam, please listen to us. You don’t need to go through with this,” you tried, but all you earned from Sam was an angry glare as he almost yelled at you and Dean.

“Look at him! Look at how close we are! Other people will die if I don’t finish this.”

His words stabbed your heart. In that moment, you didn’t care about anyone else. All you cared about was Sam, and you knew Dean felt the same way as he finally seemed to regain his footing from the blow that was Sam’s reaction to his words. Dean slowly started moving forward again, still holding his hands out infront of him, trying to calm his little brother.

“Think about it. Think about what we know, huh? Pulling souls from hell, curing demons. Hell, ganking a Hellhound! We have enough knowledge on our side to turn the tide here.” Dean tried to reason with his brother, but you couldn’t think of anything to say to help him. All you could think about was Sam no longer wanting to live. All you could think about was a life without Sam and how that was not a life you wanted to live. Dean mirrored your thoughts with his words, looking to you, pleading with you to help him out. “But we can’t do it without you.”

“Dean’s right Sam,” your voice was meek but unwavering. You wanted him to hear this from both of you. You needed him to know how much you still loved him, even if you couldn’t come right out and say it in that moment. If you did, you were afraid you would push him further away from you instead of reassuring him that he would always have you. For some reason you had never understood, Sam had always seemed to be afraid to let you love him. It had always pained you, but you pushed the thought aside for now. Right now Sam was the most important thing. Your hurt feelings would have to wait. “We need you. There’s so much more to fight in this world other than demons. We can’t do that without you.”

Sam’s eyes opened wider as he stared at you. “You can barely do it with me. Every woman that has gotten close to me is dead. Maddison, Sarah, Jessica… Mom. How long do you think you will last if you stay close to me, Y/N?”

You gasped at his words, trying to fight back your tears as you realized why he had pushed you away. He was afraid he bore some kind of curse that made his love be enough to kill you, but before you could answer him, before you had a chance to tell him how wrong he was, Sam turned his attention to Dean.

“And you think I screw up everything I try. You think I need a chaperone, remember?”

The pain and regret was evident on Dean’s face when he interrupted his brother, “Come on, man. That’s not what I meant.”

“No, it’s exactly what you meant.” Sam didn’t let either of you interrupt him. Not even  when you stepped forward to reach out to him. He just pointed towards the confessional and proceeded, his voice thick from emotions now. “You want to know what I confessed in there? What my greatest sin was? It was how many times I let you down. I can’t do that again.”

“Sam…” Dean finally tried to interrupt after hearing his brother out. You could hear the pain in his voice and see it in how he held himself. He couldn’t take much more of this, and part of you was scared he would break, and yell at Sam while the other part hoped he would do just that. You hoped he would do something, anything to get through to Sam. Anything not to lose the man you loved.

Instead of stopping, Sam turned to face you. “What happens when I get to weak, and I let you in. What happens if I break and let you know that I love you too? How long before I get you killed too?”

Tears were building in Sam’s eyes now, your own rolling down your cheeks when you stepped forward, screaming at him, “Stop it, Sam! Please!”

But he didn’t. Sam just turned his attention back towards his brother again, crying now. “What happens when you’ve decided I can’t be trusted again? I mean, who are you gonna turn to next time instead of me? Another angel, another… another vampire? Do you have any idea what it feels like to watch your brother…”

That was it. Dean couldn’t take it anymore, and he interrupted “Hold on,” before raising his voice, gaining Sam’s attention. “Just hold on!”

You breathe a sigh of relief. You knew the boys fought, but the respect and admiration Sam had for his older brother ran deep. If anyone could get through to Sam in in delirious, pained state, it would be Dean.

You admired Dean for how calm he was able to keep his voice, only raising it to stress a point every now and again.

“You seriously think that? Because none of it… none of it… is true. Listen, man, I know we’ve had our disagreements, okay? Hell, I know I’ve said some junk that set you back on your heels. But, Sammy…come on.” The raise in Dean’s voice that came after that was not anger. It was grief. Strong, courageous Dean that had gotten you all through so much was fighting to hold back his tears at the mere thought of not only losing his brother, but at the fact that Sam didn’t see how much he cared about him. Dean loved Sam as much as you did. He would be as much of a mess if you lost him as you would be, if not more so. Dean had devoted his life to keep his brother safe, and Sam questioning his love for him cut him deeper than you had seen any blade or loss in the past do.

“I killed Benny to save you. I’m willing to let this bastard, and all the sons of bitches that killed Mom, walk because of you. Don’t you dare think that there is anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you! It has never been like that, ever! I need you to see that. I’m begging you,” Dean pleaded with his brother, who finally looked as if he was beginning to listen, so you took a step forward to chip in.

“Sam you aren’t cursed. You are not to blame for any of their deaths. No matter if you chose to allow yourself love me or not, that doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I am not going anywhere, and if you think I am going to let you hurt yourself because you think it will me safe… Sam for the smartest person I know… that’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard.” You sent him a weak smile and drew a sigh of relief when you saw a hint of a smile on his lips before he turned back to his brother.

“How do I stop?” An almost audible sigh of relief left Dean as he walked towards his brother.

“Just let it go,” Dean urged him, but Sam didn’t stop crying.

“I can’t. It’s in me, Dean.”

Tears streamed down your cheeks again when you heard the fear in Sam’s voice, and you suddenly realized this wasn’t over. It was beyond Sam’s control, and even if he wanted to live, he might still die from this. Dean’s calm however didn’t break. He just wrapped his brother’s bleeding hand in the bandana he always carried in his pocket.

“Hey, listen. We will figure it out, okay. Just like we always do,” Dean promised, before pulling Sam in for a tight hug as you watched them with tears in yours eyes. “Come on. Let it go, okay? Let it go, brother.”

“Hey,” Sam broke the hug, twisting his arms in front of Dean, showing his brother how they had stopped glowing.

“You see,” Dean smiled relieved at his brother, before Sam’s eyes sought you out. He smiled at you, a smile you barely got to return before he crutch down in pain.

Your terrified scream filled the abandoned church, only echoed by Dean calling out his brother’s name, as he caught him just before he hit the ground.

“Y/N the doors! We need to get him to a hospital,” Dean ordered, snapping you out of your panicked state, and you did as you were told before grabbing Sam’s free arm, helping Dean support him as you together staggered out of the church.

“I got you little brother,” Dean promised as the two of you struggled to keep a groaning Sam on his feet. “You’re gonna be just fine,” Dean added before Sam feel into the side of the Impala, pulling you and Dean down with him.

“Sam, Sam, Sammy,” you and Dean both called out to him, trying to make sure he was alright. He clearly wasn’t. You had seen Sam hurt before but never in this much pain. His pain physically hurt you, and you could see by the pain in Dean’s eyes that he was going through the same thing you were.

“Cas! Castiel!” Dean bellowed in hopes your angel friend could do something to help Sam, but his prayer wasn’t answered. “Where the hell are you?” Dean mumbled, and you fought to hold back the tears. If Dean was this scared, it really was as bad as you thought it was. You might really lose Sam tonight, and the same reluctance to carry on that Sam had vocalized earlier rushed over you. Without Sam, you didn’t want to live, and you knew Dean felt the same way.  The same terror and agony you felt as you watched Sam writhe in pain before you was mirrored in Dean’s orbs when your eyes met.

The night sky suddenly lit up with thousands of lights, pulling you from your thoughts and fears, filling you both with an entirely different kind of terror.

“No, Cas,” Dean begged as the three of you looked to the sky.

“He did it,” you whispered, much to Sam’s confusion.

“What’s happening?”

“Angels,” Dean answered as you all stared to the sky, “they’re falling.”

You’re gaze met Dean’s while Sam kept staring into the sky, baffled and in pain. You and Dean however thought the same thing. Sam couldn’t die tonight. None of you could. You had work to do, and you needed Sam by your side through this. Whatever it took, whatever deal you had to make, or whatever sacrificed it would cost, Sam would have to make it through this. 


End file.
